1. May not begin comments on people's flickr photos with the caveat, "Not to sound pervy, but..."
2. May not use the expression “Holy crap!” as an expression of gratitude when presented with professional kudos from colleagues and superiors.
3. May not indiscriminately talk like the Swedish chef (“Bjork, bjork, bjork, chickeeeeeen!”).
4. May not try to show the research staff at outpatient oncology my newest panties in front of other patients.
a. Even if they ask.
b. Even if they ask nicely.
c. Even if I’m wearing the Barbie panties.
5. May not tweeze eyebrows when angry or under the influence of drugs.
6. May not engage in spontaneous discoing in my computer chair when other people are not sufficiently prepped.
7. May not try to dance in public like Peanuts
characters. Especially if I want anyone to speak to me.
8. May not let everyone know how fabulous I smell more than once every hour. Even if do smell fabulous.
9. May not try to speak rationally with an AOL representative. Ever.
10. May not try to pretend that I won’t spill iced tea on myself when hyper (so far today, twice on me, once on the floor, once on my tushie cushion).
11. May not attempt cooking any dish that may be extremely flammable and not advisable for nine year-olds to attempt. May aim low.
12. May not try to change my shirt, brush my teeth, and dial the phone simultaneously in order to “multitask.”
13. May not construct paper clip shrines to the Flying Spaghetti Monster while under deadline.
14. May not believe I have been touched by His Noodly Appendage and must stop trying to "testify" about it.
15. May not try to taunt or manipulate staff with banana muffins (they taunt and manipulate back).
16. May not "perform research" at my desk by stuffing as many malted milkballs as I can into my mouth.
17. Must clean off malted milkball spewtum from my monitor as soon as possible (i.e., pre-crust), not when I feel, you know, "kinda inspired."
Photo credit: "Pervert" by -Birdy- on flickr (click to see more of this artist's work). His blog is You Are a Cog
. Permission obtained for use.